Pushed to desperation

"I'll do it. I'm telling you. I will do it." I threatened as I stood at the edge of the Empire State Building. I looked down. The roads were bustling with pedestrians and the trees were adorned with the Christmas decorations. The winds were chilly and picking up speed. I stood at the edge. I was mentally prepared for all this. I know what was going to happen. I've made up my mind. This is one life I don't want to save. It's useless. I know I can't continue. I looked at her in the eyes. She was wearing a chocolate brown winter coat. Winter was around the corner and I knew that I did not bear to live through another Christmas, especially after that accident. Her black hair fluttered in the wind at the top of the building. Slowly, I edged closer to the edge. I knew this is not something I want to reflect on. I jumped.

Unaccepted.

My heart pounded in my chest. Time seemed to stop. I could take notice of the world around me. The sky was ashen grey. The birds in the background stopped chirping. Maple leaves in the trees rustled against the autumn winds. I turned my attention back to your brown eyes. For a moment, I lost myself in those deep brown eyes. Then, I noticed the emotions in your eyes. I could read them. They were full of pity and disappointment. For once, I thought you would have understood me. I guess I was wrong.

I ran away. As far and fast as I could. I thought you could finally accept me for who I am. But what did you do instead? You looked at me in shock. I thought you could comfort me. I thought you could understand me. But you gave me something I can forget. That expression. That sad smile. That widening of your eyes. Your disappointment.

I've let you down. I'm so sorry. I just had to tell someone. You were the only one I trusted. You didn't need to know that. I'm so sorry. My conscience told me that you were the right person to share the secret with. I was finally coming out of the closet. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry for coming out as a bisexual. I just didn't want to be who I was not. Is that so wrong ?

The world is just wrong. I just wanted to be myself. I trusted you to calm me down, pull me away from the cruel system of society. Tell me it was fine to be myself. You're my best friend. I just wanted you to understand, being bi does not mean that its wrong. It just means that I have other likings rather than just one gender. I may still be considered straight. Don't be so judgmental. I just needed some support. I'm sorry.

My lungs were screaming for oxygen before I stopped to catch my breath. I jogged to a corner of a street, just behind the blocks for a rest. There, I released my emotions. Understanding. Sigh. If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I would have won it. Why did I have to like somebody of the same gender ? When will I ever learn that if you were different, it means that you're abnormal and you should be shunned away from humanity ? Well I'm sorry for being myself. I'm sorry for being alive. I'm just trying to be myself. I'm sorry for being me.