Heartwreching.

Disappointment oozes out every pore. The stench of the hatred hung in the air. Even though we were not face to face, I cowered in fear. Maybe you don't know this, but you are someone who is so important to me. I never want to lose you. I don't hear your voice, but I imagine your expression. It was nothing more than the exchange of a few words. It hurt me deeply. I don't know why. I didn't mean to be rude or offensive, and yet, perhaps, deep inside, it's because those words came from you. Maybe that's why I felt so sad and depressed when I read those words of yours. Were they on impulse? Were they on purpose ? I'll never know, but it hurts. When you stopped trying to care, I gave up hope. I let my tears stream down. I lost all sense of my sight, blurred by heavy tears. I was trying to gather the courage. Just enough courage for me to tell you everything, but when you stopped, all attempts of past trials left as well. Everything. Every will, every sense of love and care from you, vaporized into thin air. My sobs were soundless, tears overflowing with emotion. Perhaps, it's just wishful thinking, but really. I never push you away on purpose. It's those emotional barriers I've put up. Try a little harder ? You'll break through, I believe in you. Is my heart supposed to ache so much. I don't know why. Even for just a day, I wouldn't wanna go without knowing you're fine. 

I know it's weird, but I'm sentimental. You matter a lot. I don't wanna lose the friendship. Please. If I have the courage, I will tell you everything. Every single detail about my life. But, the reason I don't want to is that I'm afraid I'll burden you, and one day, you'll leave me. I don't want you to stop caring. Just care a way that'll get through to me ? So please, don't leave me and make me feel unwanted again.

'Lost Possession' - part 2

The body was, in fact, my sister's boyfriend, Jacob. He died of a car crash about one week ago. His rugged clothes and worn out sandals shown that he had been walking for a long time. He had stubble all over his chin and his facial features stood against his rugged body. His facial features had been deeply chiseled into his face, and made him look handsome. He had been tanned brown probably under the scorching sun. Found on his body were his little but seemingly precious belongings. One of them was tightly clutched in his hand when he was found. Now blood stained, the couple's watch stood against the brown cardboard box. His belongings were passed to us. Between the belongings in the box, a clean white sheet of papers was neatly folded and hidden at the corner. My sister read it and broke down into tears. I, not being able to read, stood and watched as the various expressions were plastered on my family members' faces. I wanted to comfort my sister so much but just as I was about to hug her, I started to have one of my fits. Im the process, I hit against my sister and dropped the box, bringing it down with a clash. My sister entered into a ridiculously furious fit and pushed me. I tumbled backwards, hit my head against the wall and blacked out. I woke up and found myself on a hospital bed. I remembered what happened and wanted to say to my sister that I was sorry. She was nowhere to be seen. I was alone in the room. I looked around and raced outside, just in time to see my sister being pulled out of the hospital. She was enraged.


As I grew older, I grew to become more aware of my surroundings, thinking of others before myself, thinking how my actions may affect others. I desperately kept myself in check and studied well, with my sister's sanity burdened unto my shoulder. I was saddened by my actions and tried to keep myself in control.

Now that I am older, I am more cautious and thoughtful. I occasionally visit my sister, who had plunged herself into darkness and unplugged herself from the mortal world. Her desperate search for Jacob had pushed her mentality to the limit and caused me to be more careful. I am still looking, but I know I will never find my sister's sanity ever again.

'Lost Possesion' - Part 1

As humans are not infallible, we tend to do things we do not mean. Like how sometimes we are driven by an unknown source to pursue something which we know we would never get. Nevertheless, being humans, being humans, would always do stupid things, no matter who they are or where they go...

As my train of thought approached the Station of Despair, I alighted and decided to look deep into my memories, looking for something which was old and dusty, the memory I tried so hard to keep - the fragile memories of my sister's sane times.

When I was younger, I was very playful and like all children, I played stupid pranks and games which were childishly invented. Nevertheless, estranged in disorders known as Attention Deficit hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia, I pushed and stretched my family members' patience, like a ball of dough rolled thin into a flat piece of dough. Everyday was torment to me, eating pills which tasted like bitter gourd and sitting down to study. The words continuously swarmed about in my head, like restless bees looking for honey. Still, I was only seven at that time and had no control over myself. I jumped about and created a lot of chaos which even tornadoes would be ashamed of during one of my fits. My sister was already nineteen at that time and had a boyfriend. Even though she never brought her boyfriend home, I had always seen them holding hands with smiles radiating like the sun, but our lives changed as fast as we could blink our eyes. Two weeks before before my sister turned twenty-one, he vanished.

All of my sister's birthday plan had to be put on hold. She mobilized everybody to go on a manhunt with her. Living only in a small town, everybody knew everybody else, but even with a population of 500 residents, nobody knew where he went. My sister was so caught up with his disappearance that she did not even remember her own birthday. We urged her to sleep and eat something but she refused and continued to keep vigil next to her phone. We kept looking but after a month or so, we gave up hope. We had already tried everything else, from calling his parents, to the police. We put up posters for any information on home, but none of out numbers were being called. Being hyperactive, my parents improvised a new way to keep me from destroying the town while going on their rounds. They tied a rope to my hand and walked around to run their own errands.

After giving up the frantic search, my sister become depressed. She confessed that she was going to get married with her boyfriend after she turned twenty-one but since his disappearance, she gave up hope. For a nine-year old, love was nothing of importance but apparently to a twenty-one year old, it mattered a lot. My family and I spent an enormous amount of effort trying to let her forget about him but our efforts were in vain.

About half a year later, we received a call from the police saying they found a badly hurt male body near the jungle. It seemed that the body was dragged there after a possible car crash. My sister, decided to look at the corpse to put her mind at ease. It was the wrong choice.

Feels like despair.

Alas, the train of thought does not always follow through. I stood there in the rain, teardrops embodied with the heavy and cold drops. I stood there, not knowing what was happening. How could I let this happen. What am I to you ? My mouth was agape. I need them. I need you. Come back. Don't drive of baby. I need you. Don't leave me. Please, I beg of you. Please.

My heart cried out. I felt so indignant. All those I called friends. My closest friends. Left me. Suddenly. I was left there questioning what I did wrong. I cried. I didn't know what to do. What did you want from me ? I am just a girl. You left me. Cruel society. Is that how you play this game ? Well I don't wanna play this game anymore. I concede defeat. Let me go back with you. I'd do anything. Don't leave me alone.

I trusted you. Where were you when I needed you most ? Oh wait. When I needed you, you were out having fun, socializing. I took a risk. To be with you. But. You turned otherwise. Sigh. You don't know how much I love you. Please give me a chance. Take me with you wherever you go. I love you. Don't leave. Please. All of you. Don't ignore me. I need love and care too. Please. I feel so useless. I am part of the team you know. Don't leave me hanging. I am sorry for everything. I feel so desperate, but I'm ready to get on my knees. Please.

Wait. don't go. Sigh. Nevermind. All of you are bored of me. I'm not part of you. I never was. I am just a part of the background, where you are the stars. I am just a speck of dust. Let me be then. If that's what you want. Let me be alone. Torn apart and alone. I just wanted to fit in. I will just stand there. Be that background. You won't notice me even if I'm gone will you ? All of you. None will appreciate me. I'll slowly fade away. Just like that. Goodbye.

And as I said the last line, I stood over the edge of the building. Gun aimed at the head. I was contemplating whether death my gun was better death by jumping off. I took one last look at the world. And there, I fell. I felt like a bird, soaring above the others. And then, a sharp pain before darkness took over my world.

Little note.

I've lost my thoughts for "The Institution" ... Any ideas anyone ? :)

The Institution - part 1

The sun was just setting over the busy streets of New York City. It was already Christmas eve. Many people bustling, hoping to catch a taxi or the subway to reach in time for their own Christmas dinner. Looks of excitement, happiness and a little bit nervousness were plastered on their faces, each having different thoughts as they head off for their Christmas plans for the night. Christmas jingles could still be heard from those shops that are still open.

Snowflakes rained upon the city streets, bringing down a wonderful atmosphere with it. I for one, had always admired snowflakes. They each have a different pattern and unique, just like me before I was inside the Institution.

Ah. Yes, the Institution. A wondrous place for discipline to be infused into the minds of "stubborn" and "opinionated" humans. It is located in the heart of Kotenski, Russia, deep down under the surface, where special classes are held to "redirect the mind" for the students there. I've lost my creativity there. It was a gloomy place, in a pit of darkness and dullness. Right now, I've lost most of my memories before I was sent there, but I am still trying to get them back, slowly and steadily, with the help of one of my acquaintances, Alex.

The only memory I have right now, is of the Institution. It seems like that was the only thing I could remember. Exactly how long was I in there, I sometimes wonder. I could remember the place perfectly. Dull grey uniforms worn every day, washed in a laundry room only occupied by a dozen or so washers and you do your laundry by yourself. Breakfast was at 9 every morning, lunch at 12 and dinner at 7. We will all wake up at 7.30 am and take turns to get ready. Everybody has their own queue numbers, probably given when we were first enrolled. Surprisingly, all I remember was the repetitive actions of everyday life. I remember the dull walls of the school. It was spotless and metallic. We had pathways to walk on daily, at an allocated time. We spend most of the day in classes, learning the habits of mundane humans from the thick heavy books with security cameras everywhere. I was reading out of habit. I had no other thoughts. It was like, my brain did not have any other forms of creativity. It was like a computer, spitting out numbers all the time, in a scheduled and orderly manner.

One thing that was odd about the Institution was that every night, I would hear footsteps, a weird smell, a sharp pain in arms, a cool liquid flowing in my blood, then a calming relaxation after the whole thing and I would slowly fall into slumber. The next morning, I would not think of anything and just get on with the routine.



-To be continued-

Pushed to desperation

"I'll do it. I'm telling you. I will do it." I threatened as I stood at the edge of the Empire State Building. I looked down. The roads were bustling with pedestrians and the trees were adorned with the Christmas decorations. The winds were chilly and picking up speed. I stood at the edge. I was mentally prepared for all this. I know what was going to happen. I've made up my mind. This is one life I don't want to save. It's useless. I know I can't continue. I looked at her in the eyes. She was wearing a chocolate brown winter coat. Winter was around the corner and I knew that I did not bear to live through another Christmas, especially after that accident. Her black hair fluttered in the wind at the top of the building. Slowly, I edged closer to the edge. I knew this is not something I want to reflect on. I jumped.