Heartwreching.

Disappointment oozes out every pore. The stench of the hatred hung in the air. Even though we were not face to face, I cowered in fear. Maybe you don't know this, but you are someone who is so important to me. I never want to lose you. I don't hear your voice, but I imagine your expression. It was nothing more than the exchange of a few words. It hurt me deeply. I don't know why. I didn't mean to be rude or offensive, and yet, perhaps, deep inside, it's because those words came from you. Maybe that's why I felt so sad and depressed when I read those words of yours. Were they on impulse? Were they on purpose ? I'll never know, but it hurts. When you stopped trying to care, I gave up hope. I let my tears stream down. I lost all sense of my sight, blurred by heavy tears. I was trying to gather the courage. Just enough courage for me to tell you everything, but when you stopped, all attempts of past trials left as well. Everything. Every will, every sense of love and care from you, vaporized into thin air. My sobs were soundless, tears overflowing with emotion. Perhaps, it's just wishful thinking, but really. I never push you away on purpose. It's those emotional barriers I've put up. Try a little harder ? You'll break through, I believe in you. Is my heart supposed to ache so much. I don't know why. Even for just a day, I wouldn't wanna go without knowing you're fine. 

I know it's weird, but I'm sentimental. You matter a lot. I don't wanna lose the friendship. Please. If I have the courage, I will tell you everything. Every single detail about my life. But, the reason I don't want to is that I'm afraid I'll burden you, and one day, you'll leave me. I don't want you to stop caring. Just care a way that'll get through to me ? So please, don't leave me and make me feel unwanted again.

'Lost Possession' - part 2

The body was, in fact, my sister's boyfriend, Jacob. He died of a car crash about one week ago. His rugged clothes and worn out sandals shown that he had been walking for a long time. He had stubble all over his chin and his facial features stood against his rugged body. His facial features had been deeply chiseled into his face, and made him look handsome. He had been tanned brown probably under the scorching sun. Found on his body were his little but seemingly precious belongings. One of them was tightly clutched in his hand when he was found. Now blood stained, the couple's watch stood against the brown cardboard box. His belongings were passed to us. Between the belongings in the box, a clean white sheet of papers was neatly folded and hidden at the corner. My sister read it and broke down into tears. I, not being able to read, stood and watched as the various expressions were plastered on my family members' faces. I wanted to comfort my sister so much but just as I was about to hug her, I started to have one of my fits. Im the process, I hit against my sister and dropped the box, bringing it down with a clash. My sister entered into a ridiculously furious fit and pushed me. I tumbled backwards, hit my head against the wall and blacked out. I woke up and found myself on a hospital bed. I remembered what happened and wanted to say to my sister that I was sorry. She was nowhere to be seen. I was alone in the room. I looked around and raced outside, just in time to see my sister being pulled out of the hospital. She was enraged.


As I grew older, I grew to become more aware of my surroundings, thinking of others before myself, thinking how my actions may affect others. I desperately kept myself in check and studied well, with my sister's sanity burdened unto my shoulder. I was saddened by my actions and tried to keep myself in control.

Now that I am older, I am more cautious and thoughtful. I occasionally visit my sister, who had plunged herself into darkness and unplugged herself from the mortal world. Her desperate search for Jacob had pushed her mentality to the limit and caused me to be more careful. I am still looking, but I know I will never find my sister's sanity ever again.

'Lost Possesion' - Part 1

As humans are not infallible, we tend to do things we do not mean. Like how sometimes we are driven by an unknown source to pursue something which we know we would never get. Nevertheless, being humans, being humans, would always do stupid things, no matter who they are or where they go...

As my train of thought approached the Station of Despair, I alighted and decided to look deep into my memories, looking for something which was old and dusty, the memory I tried so hard to keep - the fragile memories of my sister's sane times.

When I was younger, I was very playful and like all children, I played stupid pranks and games which were childishly invented. Nevertheless, estranged in disorders known as Attention Deficit hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia, I pushed and stretched my family members' patience, like a ball of dough rolled thin into a flat piece of dough. Everyday was torment to me, eating pills which tasted like bitter gourd and sitting down to study. The words continuously swarmed about in my head, like restless bees looking for honey. Still, I was only seven at that time and had no control over myself. I jumped about and created a lot of chaos which even tornadoes would be ashamed of during one of my fits. My sister was already nineteen at that time and had a boyfriend. Even though she never brought her boyfriend home, I had always seen them holding hands with smiles radiating like the sun, but our lives changed as fast as we could blink our eyes. Two weeks before before my sister turned twenty-one, he vanished.

All of my sister's birthday plan had to be put on hold. She mobilized everybody to go on a manhunt with her. Living only in a small town, everybody knew everybody else, but even with a population of 500 residents, nobody knew where he went. My sister was so caught up with his disappearance that she did not even remember her own birthday. We urged her to sleep and eat something but she refused and continued to keep vigil next to her phone. We kept looking but after a month or so, we gave up hope. We had already tried everything else, from calling his parents, to the police. We put up posters for any information on home, but none of out numbers were being called. Being hyperactive, my parents improvised a new way to keep me from destroying the town while going on their rounds. They tied a rope to my hand and walked around to run their own errands.

After giving up the frantic search, my sister become depressed. She confessed that she was going to get married with her boyfriend after she turned twenty-one but since his disappearance, she gave up hope. For a nine-year old, love was nothing of importance but apparently to a twenty-one year old, it mattered a lot. My family and I spent an enormous amount of effort trying to let her forget about him but our efforts were in vain.

About half a year later, we received a call from the police saying they found a badly hurt male body near the jungle. It seemed that the body was dragged there after a possible car crash. My sister, decided to look at the corpse to put her mind at ease. It was the wrong choice.

Feels like despair.

Alas, the train of thought does not always follow through. I stood there in the rain, teardrops embodied with the heavy and cold drops. I stood there, not knowing what was happening. How could I let this happen. What am I to you ? My mouth was agape. I need them. I need you. Come back. Don't drive of baby. I need you. Don't leave me. Please, I beg of you. Please.

My heart cried out. I felt so indignant. All those I called friends. My closest friends. Left me. Suddenly. I was left there questioning what I did wrong. I cried. I didn't know what to do. What did you want from me ? I am just a girl. You left me. Cruel society. Is that how you play this game ? Well I don't wanna play this game anymore. I concede defeat. Let me go back with you. I'd do anything. Don't leave me alone.

I trusted you. Where were you when I needed you most ? Oh wait. When I needed you, you were out having fun, socializing. I took a risk. To be with you. But. You turned otherwise. Sigh. You don't know how much I love you. Please give me a chance. Take me with you wherever you go. I love you. Don't leave. Please. All of you. Don't ignore me. I need love and care too. Please. I feel so useless. I am part of the team you know. Don't leave me hanging. I am sorry for everything. I feel so desperate, but I'm ready to get on my knees. Please.

Wait. don't go. Sigh. Nevermind. All of you are bored of me. I'm not part of you. I never was. I am just a part of the background, where you are the stars. I am just a speck of dust. Let me be then. If that's what you want. Let me be alone. Torn apart and alone. I just wanted to fit in. I will just stand there. Be that background. You won't notice me even if I'm gone will you ? All of you. None will appreciate me. I'll slowly fade away. Just like that. Goodbye.

And as I said the last line, I stood over the edge of the building. Gun aimed at the head. I was contemplating whether death my gun was better death by jumping off. I took one last look at the world. And there, I fell. I felt like a bird, soaring above the others. And then, a sharp pain before darkness took over my world.